Coming Out as Autistic: A Coming Out Kind of Conversation

Jul 10

Identity is a complex thing. We are all made up of multiple identities--some of them diverse, some of them associated with dominance/power. For many, their diverse identities are visible, for some invisible. When you live with an invisible diverse identity, you have the privilege of choosing to “pass” or come out. It is a complex decision when you choose to make an invisible identity visible. Today, I choose to leave my neurotypical passing self and publicly embrace my Autistic identity. Certainly, there are pros and cons to this decision. Certainly, this is terrifying. Certainly, it is irreversible. In my coming out, I share with you a slightly satirical and 100% authentic dialogue that I’ve been hosting with different parts of myself.

My Autistic Coming Out Conversation:

A dialogue between My Autistic Self and Masking Self

Autistic Self: So, I think I’m going to come out.

Neurotypical Masking Self: So…that’s a terrible idea.

Autistic Self: Really?

Neurotypical Masking Self: Yes, really.

Autistic Self: Okay, cool…Yeah, so why exactly is it a terrible idea?

Neurotypical Masking Self: I can’t believe I have to explain this to you (eye roll). You’re a published author. You’ve generally well liked, and we’ve worked really, really hard to create a respectable, poised reputation for you. Why would you ruin all the work we’ve done these last 37 years?!

Autistic Self: Right, but isn’t that a part of the problem. Like, I’ve masked my way through life, and I could keep doing that, but I’m EXHAUSTED, and it’s not authentic. I want to be “out the game” as they’d say in The Wire.

Neurotypical Masking Self: Yes, but the game is predictable. You know this game. You know how to perform and win in the neurotypical world. You pass. Why would you willingly give people ammunition.

Autistic self: Sure, I know the game, I’m decent at the game, but I don’t think I like the game. I think there is something deeply wrong with the game. And I think there are lots of women out there like me, hiding in plain sight. I want to speak to them, and help people understand our experience.

Neurotypical Masking Self: Okay, but can’t you just do that as an “Autism mom” and as a therapist? You get the best of both worlds, you get to pass and advocate.

Autistic self: Sigh, oh, honey, you have so much to learn. Autism moms and autistic advocates are not always aligned. And if I want to be an advocate, I want it to be my authentic voice speaking about my experience of autism versus as an autism mom speaking about the autistic experience of another. Plus it wouldn’t feel genuine. And you KNOW how bad I am at lying.

Neurotypical Masking Self: It’s true. I’ve been trying to teach you how to lie better your whole damn life. You SUCK at it….But can’t you just be an advocate as a therapist?

Autistic self: Seriously? (My turn to eye roll) The medical model is stuck in the 60s. The instruments, the DSM, it’s based off of wealthy white boys. People of color and women are missed and misdiagnosed all the time. The autistics won’t trust if I’m speaking from that field. And I’ll just confuse fellow therapists who are thinking strictly from the medical model of Autism.

Neurotypical Masking Self: Okay, so if I have this straight, you want to be out as an autistic advocate, who is a therapist and an autism mom.

Autistic self: Yup, you got it. You’re catching on here.

Neurotypical Masking Self: Yeah, that’s still a terrible idea.

Autistic self: Because?

Neurotypical Masking Self: Because people won’t believe you. You don’t look autistic. You create relational experiences, you’re warm and empathetic, you’re theoretical and metaphorical. People won’t believe you.

Autistic self: Okay, okay. I have a brilliant idea. How about, I post all of the results of all of the assessments I’ve taken, and I’ll post my IQ profile with hyperlinks to articles about processing speed and working memory deficits to prove my autism. I’ll post all my blood markers and health markers consistent with autism (again with hyperlinks to research-based articles), and I’ll share my wheel of traits, explaining how girl traits such as social-communication traits are less present than in boys. I’ll link to that great article we read about how our social brains are comparable to a neurotypical boys’ social brain. And then I’ll write out all of my symptoms consistent with the DSM interview, and I’ll post all that as part of my coming out story. And then weave all that information into an autobiographical timeline explaining all the traits that were present in early childhood, adolescence and adulthood.

Neurotypical Masking Self: Please, tell me you’re joking.

Autistic Self: What, it’s a great idea. It has all the details and evidence and context for why I’m autistic. If I tell people about how I ate dirt out of the potted plants as a child and had fancy rituals I obsessively followed they’ll maybe take me seriously.

Neurotypical Masking Self: So, you’re serious about giving people all that context? All those details?

Autistic Self: Yeah, it’s brilliant!

Neurotypical Masking Self: Dude. That’s so oversharing! That’s the thing I am always protecting you from. Neurotypicals won’t know what to do with that much oversharing. You’ll overwhelm them.

Autistic Self: Ohhhh, yeah. Right, right, right. I forgot about that for a second. Okay, I won’t post that. You’re right, maybe I don’t want the whole world seeing my full-scale IQ and the nitty-gritty of all my autistic traits. But, should I talk about how Autism totally intersects with the experience of gender and sexuality?

Neurotypical Masking Self: Don’t even think about it. Don’t even go there.

Autistic Self: Noted.

Neurotypical Masking Self: Okay, so I am starting to gather that this is really important to you.

Autistic Self: It is. I need to be an autistic advocate. I need to do it for me—so I can stop masking and being performative. I need to do it for my daughter. I need to do it for all the female clients that I have missed. For all the female clients I will have. We’ve been diagnosing them with eating disorders, trauma, bipolar, BPD, depression, and anxiety. We’ve been diagnosing all the planets but not the sun they all orbit around. They are suffering and they don’t understand why. They deserve a diagnosis, they deserve to understand their suffering. They desire to understand their brain. I need to speak to that.

Neurotypical Masking Self: Can we at least have your neurotypical husband vet this?

Autistic Self: That’s tempting, but I think the point is to stop filtering everything through a neurotypical lens.

Neurotypical Masking Self: You know you’re going to get a lot of push back right? From the field, they won’t like you challenging the typical Autism model. From Autism moms who feel you putting on the label takes away from their child’s experience because of how “functional” you are. From Neurotypicals who won’t think you’re autistic enough because of their view of autism. You know that’s going to feel terrible right?

Autistic Self: Yes, I know, it’s going to be hard. It’s going to hurt, I’ll likely be misunderstood by some, and that will be hurt like hell. But the thing is, at least it’s honest hurt. You protect me, but your protection also hurts. I’m ready for some honest hurt. You’ve worked so hard for us; thank you for all you’ve done for us. I know you always had my best interest in mind. But I’ve got this now. You can rest. God knows you are tired and ready for a rest. I’ll take us from here.

This post was proofread by Grammarly, my go-to for proofreading and catching all the details I naturally miss! Grammarly is entirely free to use. Click here to give it a try.

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