15 Parenting Tips to Help Highly Sensitive Children Thrive
I used to joke that parenting felt like an evolutionary arms race. The moment we figured out a strategy that worked for our child, they would change, and it would stop working, leaving us back at square one. This feeling of perpetual adaptation is a universal aspect of parenting, but it can be especially challenging for those raising highly sensitive and neurodivergent children.
When your child is highly sensitive, it adds an intriguing layer of complexity to the experience. Highly sensitive children possess a finely tuned sensory radar, allowing them to absorb the world around them with remarkable depth and intensity. While this sensitivity can be a beautiful gift, it also requires special attention and understanding from parents to help them navigate a world that sometimes feels overwhelming.
This blog post explores how to support our highly sensitive children. We'll start by recognizing the signs of a highly sensitive child and then explore 15 grounding practices for effectively parenting and nurturing your highly sensitive child.
To kick things off, let's begin by clearly understanding what it means to be a highly sensitive child, addressing common questions that often arise for parents of highly sensitive children. Following that, we'll delve into 15 practical approaches for supporting our highly sensitive children.
How to Recognize a Highly Sensitive Child
'Highly sensitive person' (HSP) & 'highly sensitive child' were introduced by psychologist & researcher Dr. Elaine Aron in the late 1990s. HSP is an umbrella term describing a heightened sensitivity to environmental stimuli, emotions, & sensory experiences. While widely known, it's not a medical condition; it's used in personality psychology, not as a diagnosis.
Recognizing a highly sensitive child is important in order to understand their needs and support them effectively. Here are some common characteristics that may indicate a highly sensitive child:
1. Emotional sensitivity: Highly sensitive children tend to feel things deeply and are easily overwhelmed by emotions. They may cry easily, be sensitive to criticism or negative comments, and have strong reactions to everyday situations.
2. Empathy: These children often show a high level of empathy towards others. They may be deeply affected by the emotions and experiences of those around them and may even absorb the emotions and energy of others.
3. Sensory sensitivity: Highly sensitive children can be highly aware of their environment and have heightened senses. They may be sensitive to loud noises, bright lights, scratchy clothing, or strong smells. They may also be more sensitive to pain.
4. Strong intuition: These children may have a strong intuition or gut feeling about people or situations. They may be more hesitant or cautious in their actions as they tend to carefully assess risks and potential consequences.
5. Perfectionism: Highly sensitive children often have high standards for themselves and may strive for perfection in their performance and behavior. They may be self-critical and become distressed when they feel they have not met their own expectations or those of others.
6. Need for alone time: These children may require more solitude and time alone to recharge. They may become exhausted or overwhelmed by social interactions or large crowds and need periods of quiet and calm to regain their energy.
7. Heightened awareness of subtleties: Highly sensitive children tend to notice and appreciate small details and subtleties that others may overlook. They may have a strong aesthetic sense, appreciate beauty, and be highly attuned to their surroundings.
Every child is unique, so naturally, not all highly sensitive children will display every characteristic mentioned above.
Do Highly Sensitive Children Outgrow It?
As for whether highly sensitive children outgrow it, it can vary from child to child. Research from personality psychology suggests temperament tends to be long-lasting. This means a child born with a sensitive temperament will likely have this temperament throughout their life.
Some may develop coping mechanisms and strategies as they grow older to better handle and manage their sensitivity. In this case, the outside world may not be able to see the sensitivity, and it may have less of an impact on their quality of life; however, their baseline temperament continues to be sensitive. By providing support, understanding, and guidance to highly sensitive children, parents can help them thrive and lean into their strengths of high sensitivity while safeguarding them from some of the struggles.
Do sensitive children develop more problems?
This question has no definitive answer, as each child will respond differently to their environment and experiences. However, research suggests that sensitive children may be more vulnerable to developing certain difficulties, such as anxiety or depressive symptoms, in response to stress or negative experiences. Dr. Jonathon Dalton eloquently puts it: When you have a child who is intelligent, creative, and deeply compassionate, the universe will throw in anxiety for free. When a child thinks with complexity about the world and experiences deep emotions, anxiety may accompany these qualities.*
Another reason sensitive children may be more predisposed to anxiety and depression is that they often absorb the emotional energy of those around them. Their heightened emotional awareness and empathy make them more susceptible to being overwhelmed by intense emotions or stressful situations.
The flip side of this sensitivity is their heart for advocacy, justice, and equality. Sensitive children who care deeply will also feel deeply. When discussing this with my own sensitive child, we use the metaphor of their pain and their values being two sides of the same coin. They hurt because they care.
Embracing and validating our children's distress as they empathize with the world's suffering can potently foster resilience in the face of injustices. By recognizing and nurturing their empathy and compassion, we equip them to contribute positively to the world and manage their emotions with fortitude and empathy.
How can parents help their highly sensitive child to flourish?
Parents can help their highly sensitive child flourish by incorporating some of the following grounding practices:
1. Create a calm and structured environment: Highly sensitive children can easily become overwhelmed by chaos or too much stimulation. Creating a calm and structured home environment with predictable routines can help them feel secure and reduce their anxiety.
2. Validate their feelings: It is important for parents to acknowledge and validate their child's emotions. Highly sensitive children often experience intense reactions to stimuli, and they may encounter messages from the world suggesting that they are "overreacting." Therefore, it is vital for parents to convey that their child's emotions are legitimate and worthy of acknowledgment.
3. Acknowledge Their Sensitive Nervous System: Highly sensitive children often have more responsive nervous systems, which means that what might not stress someone else can instantly overwhelm your child. It's crucial to recognize that your child is not "overreacting" or being dramatic. Think of it like a reflex, similar to a sneeze. Their body has entered a stressed (fight-flight-freeze) mode automatically. Viewing your child through a nervous system lens can provide valuable insights and tools for helping them learn how to regulate their bodies and emotions more effectively.
4. Embrace a Sensory Lens: In addition to considering their nervous systems, adopting a sensory lens is key. This means viewing everyday experiences through a sensory lens. Delve into the sensory aspects of transitions, school, social outings, mealtimes, and more to gain a deeper understanding of your child. This approach can help you connect the dots and better comprehend your child's needs and sensitivities.
5. Foster self-regulation skills: Assist your child in acquiring practical techniques for handling their emotions, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or taking breaks when they feel overwhelmed. When my own children were young, I found "The Whole Brain Child" particularly helpful as it introduced basic neuroscience concepts and effective strategies for calming the brain. Starting this process at a young age is one of the most important investments you'll ever make in their mental health. Encourage them to discover healthy outlets for processing emotions, like writing, drawing, or confiding in a trusted adult.
6. Provide ample downtime: Highly sensitive children often need more downtime than their peers to recharge and process their experiences. Encourage them to take breaks, engage in solitary activities they enjoy, and create a quiet space where they can retreat when needed.
7. Limit exposure to overstimulating environments: Highly sensitive children can be easily overwhelmed by busy environments, loud noises, or strong smells. Try to minimize their exposure to such overstimulation when possible and give them opportunities to recharge in quieter settings.
8. Create a sensory soothing environment: Provide a safe and calm environment at home that minimizes sensory overload. Limit loud noises, bright lights, and excessive stimuli. Consider creating a sensory detox area or sensory soothing space in the home where the child can go to get a sensory break.
9. Teach assertiveness skills: Support your child in developing assertiveness skills, enabling them to communicate their needs and boundaries effectively. Highly sensitive children often lean towards people-pleasing and prioritizing others' needs over their own. This tendency can hinder their ability to assert themselves and establish healthy boundaries, potentially leading to vulnerability and unhealthy relationship patterns as they mature. Begin early by encouraging them to express their thoughts and feelings respectfully, articulate their needs and boundaries, and equip them with conflict-resolution skills.
10. Promote self-care habits: Instill in your child the significance of self-care and assist them in establishing routines and activities that enhance their well-being. Encourage regular exercise, a balanced diet, adequate sleep, and engaging in enjoyable pastimes. These practices contribute to a more resilient nervous system, which is particularly valuable for highly sensitive children, given their predisposition to heightened sensitivity.
11. Foster positive relationships: Support your child in building positive relationships with peers who understand and accept their sensitivity. Encourage them to surround themselves with supportive friends and engage in activities that align with their interests and values.
12. Advocate for their needs: It is important for parents to advocate for their sensitive child's needs in school or other social settings. This may involve communicating with teachers, coaches, or other caregivers to ensure they understand the child's sensitivity and can provide appropriate accommodations if needed. It may also involve seeking out further clarification regarding whether your child has a form of neurodivergence (Autism or ADHD) to ensure appropriate accommodations are in place.**
13. Model healthy coping strategies: While teaching emotional regulation skills is valuable, setting an example is even more valuable. Children are keen observers and often mirror their parents' behaviors. Be a positive role model for your child by showcasing healthy ways to manage stress. In situations where you're stressed and require a moment to collect yourself, consider explicitly communicating, 'I need a few minutes to calm down, and I'll be back in 5 minutes.' This way, you not only demonstrate emotional regulation but also teach the importance of taking time to manage feelings.
14. Be honest: Parents occasionally believe it's best to shield their children from their own emotions, concealing feelings like anxiety, stress, or sadness behind a façade of false cheerfulness. However, this approach can lead to the child doubting their own instincts. Highly sensitive children are often attuned to the energy and emotions of those around them. When they sense your distress but are told you're "fine," it can undermine their trust either in themselves or in you, neither of which is conducive to their well-being.
While it's essential not to burden your child with your emotions (avoiding parentification), it's equally vital to be authentic. Honesty fosters psychological safety. For instance, if your child inquires whether you're upset or anxious, you might respond, "You're quite perceptive; yes, I am feeling a bit anxious right now. I also know I can navigate this moment and will be okay." Alternatively, you could say, "Yes, I am somewhat stressed today; you noticed that, didn't you? I plan to take a walk later to de-stress." Honesty, rather than concealment, often alleviates additional stress for the child.
15. Celebrate their strengths: Highly sensitive children often possess unique strengths, such as empathy, creativity, and strong intuition. Acknowledging and celebrating these abilities not only enhances their self-esteem but also nurtures resilience. By emphasizing their positive attributes, you boost their confidence and promote activities that contribute to their resilience.
Every child is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. When parenting a highly sensitive child, it often takes a lot of attunement to the child, adapting, and experimenting to learn what works best for your family. It’s okay if you don’t get it right the first time! Observe and adapt these strategies based on your child's needs, responses, and preferences.
Conclusion
Having a highly sensitive child can present unique challenges as a parent, but it also offers the opportunity to nurture and support their qualities and sensitivities. Being highly sensitive is not a flaw or a weakness but rather a part of their individual temperament. By creating a safe and supportive environment, respecting their boundaries, and understanding their needs, we can help them thrive and grow into confident and resilient individuals. Educating ourselves about high sensitivity and seeking professional help is also key, including considering whether or not our child is also neurodivergent. By doing so, we can better understand our children and provide the care and guidance to help them thrive. Raising a highly sensitive child can be both a rewarding and transformative experience, as we witness their incredible capacity for empathy, creativity, and deep connections with others.
If you want to learn more about parenting sensitive children, check out the Master the Art of Parenting Your Sensitive Child (free if you can make it to the live event, and you can also purchase an all-access pass to attend the summit at your own leisure!). You can hear me talk all about sensitive nervous systems and sensory regulation!
*No one wants to live with or see their child experience anxiety. I appreciate the strength-based perspective of Dr. Dalton. He discusses how the experience of anxiety (and the experience of anxiety treatment) can actually strengthen the child and cultivate more resilience than if the child never had anxiety in the first place. As Dr. Dalton explains, when a child faces anxiety and learns to let their values drive them (over their fears), they can develop resilience and the ability to persist through challenges. Conquering anxiety can lead to the development of key characteristics that serve the child well in life beyond just managing anxiety.
**Several of the traits of HSP overlap with Autism. While not all highly sensitive children are Autistic, ADHD, or gifted, many are. Furthermore, due to outdated stereotypes about autism, if your child is Autistic, they may delay getting diagnosed. Considering whether or not other forms of neurodivergence are in the picture and advocating for an accurate diagnosis can be a part of empowering them with the right support and accommodations.
